


in what remains

by exfriends



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Spoilers Ahoy!, i never got over my homestuck phase please forgive the narrative, jealous taako, post wonderland speculation fic, this is truly rarepair hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-09 12:08:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10411824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exfriends/pseuds/exfriends
Summary: Magnus is whole again. Taako is isolated. Merle doesn’t get involved.





	1. what did we lose?

**Author's Note:**

> To prevent spoilers in the summary, here's a better one. 
> 
> Magnus is whole. Taako is isolated. Merle doesn’t get involved.  
> AKA: What do you do when the person you have complicated feelings for loses your memory?  
> AKA: Taako's jealousy and other ramblings. 
> 
> POST SUFFERING GAME AU -- yet another speculation about magnus' body fic. 
> 
> We can all be happy this wasn't what I wanted it to be, which was an explicit Mannequin!Magnus/Taako fic. That fic might exist someday. We just don't know.

The world after Wonderland is different from the world before. It has lost something you can’t place, a luster, safety. Comfort as you know it has altered, like existence just before except a little to the left. You don’t spend much time considering it, the discomfort is like a buzzing in your skin. 

You start every morning with the same routine. You calculate your spell slots with adjustments to what you need to do every few hours. You get dressed, in something more garish than what you wore the day before, if possible. You avoid Merle. You don’t even think about the other guy. In fact, if possible, you avoid everyone, even boy detective Angus, whose visits had become a lot more infrequent as the weeks progressed. The push from one day to the next is a lot easier knowing how easy it is to just be alone. “Taako’s good back here” is the famous line, but you know its just too depressing to sit in your room all day. Besides, its not like you’re trying to avoid the basic necessities of human contact. You just don’t want to see anyone you know. Is that too difficult to ask? 

Because, frankly, you’re tired of talking about it. 

Everyone knows what happened to you all in Wonderland. News travels fast here when half the population has nothing better to do except wait for your return. You’re practically celebrities, which makes it all worse. You’re tired of being reminded of it. You’re tired of the stares you get when people find out what you supposedly lost, and they stare trying to figure it out like you don’t spend more than you should to hide it. 

And it’s the same thoughts. Every time. You aren’t brave for losing things. You aren’t selfless in the name of your teammates. You are just a survivor of a game. Just lucky.

You leave your room at a bad time that day. Bad because you didn’t time it right and there’s someone else there. Your streak has broken. It takes a lot of self control to not blink out, waste another spell slot in the name of avoidance. 

Merle sees you striding faster across the hallway. You have long legs, you’re eager to show how useful they are. You play a game of avoiding eye contact. You’re in the blind spot, you tell yourself. He’s not even paying attention. 

“Taako! Wait up!” Merle calls. 

Shit. 

“Oh please, I was walking on your blind side, you shouldn’t have been able to see me!” you blurt out suddenly, turning by instinct to see him. You don’t make eye contact. He can’t see it anyway. 

“Shut up, my eyes aren’t that bad.” Merle catches up, keeps up. You can tell how it strains him, so you begrudgingly slow down. Their pause is unnatural and it shows. Merle coughs. “So, I’m happy I was able to uh...catch up with you. You’ve been...” 

“What, a wizard can’t have a personal life? Geeze, Merle, get off my ass!” 

“No, that’s not it!” Merle sighs. They aren’t even walking towards a destination. “Everyone’s been worrying about you...Magnus--” 

“Don’t even bring up that traitor’s name, homeboy, I ain’t got time to deal with that amount of negativity today.” the words fall out of your mouth as cleanly and as automatic as usual. 

Merle’s expression drops. “Alright, um. If you say so. Just. Could you talk to him? He’s up my ass constantly because you aren’t speaking to him.” 

You feel your mouth fall into a deep frown. That’ll cause wrinkles. “It’s not like I ran away, darling, I live across the hall.” 

That’s all you have left to say. You knew the second someone saw you, they’d challenge the reality you built for yourself. The reality in which you were all alone. You didn’t need to think about Wonderland. Or Merle. Or... 

Your steps lengthen and eventually Merle falls behind. Merle calls out, curses at you, you don’t care. There’s nothing more you need to say. You aren’t going to see him. 

You can’t take it. 

\--  
Magnus, like you and Merle, lost in Wonderland. A sense of purpose, some fingers...oh, and his entire body. Bad luck, huh? 

He came back to base for a hero’s welcome, a hero’s prize. A new body. The same one he had before. What era of before? At what point do you mark when one time period ends and another begins? 

Oh, that’s simple. This body was of Magnus before he met you. And because Magnus didn’t care, he jumped right in. He subsequently got back all he lost in Wonderland at the expense of your memory.  
Needless to say, you’re a bit hurt. Of course, it was a lot more complicated than that, but at the surface level that’s what it felt like. Magnus didn’t care that they all told him what memories he’d lose. He didn’t want to wait for a solution. He was tired of being in that form knowing all that he knew, and maybe was already feeling as you do now. He rushed in. And everyone was right. 

“Those were the arms that held my wife!” 

Of course they were. Of course that’s what matters. 

He got back everything he lost at the expense of you, and despite it all, that’s all you carry. 

Magnus spent weeks trying to recover. They reinoculated him and some things came back. He knew of you both but not to the extent. You kept avoiding him. Merle and him spent more nights talking than you care to remember, since you were forced to eavesdrop. Elves don’t sleep, and they sure as shit can’t get their hallmates to shut up. Merle told him as much as he could know, of all their adventures, of all the times he had saved your ass. All the things they had done together.

It makes a uncharacteristic lump rise in your throat just thinking about those times, where everyone chipped in to try and bring Magnus back to himself. Angus spent a day with him, walking around. They had found you once on your trip of avoidance, and you spent a while trying to avoid eye contact. Angus eventually left you alone. Magnus looked like a kicked puppy. He was so young looking. He was so eager to get your name right. And you made him laugh. 

You wish you were angry just because of the body. Like, it’s totally uncool that Magnus was able to gain everything back he lost in Wonderland and you are stuck burning spell slots for your own comfort. It’s not fair that he got it all back and you have no hope. You wish every night that the rest of it would just fall away like dead skin leaving you to be angry about typical Taako things. People would expect you to be angry for that. People already know how vain you can be. But instead, you just avoid it. 

Eventually it has to catch up to you though. Eventually. 

You can’t keep running away from it. 

\-- 

It finally happens later. You’re in your room for the night, hunkered up for a prime time view of your ceiling. You just didn’t have it in you for another night on the town--and you feel that way only because you ran out of spell slots trying to impress the bartender with a trick. Stupid Taako. Your pre-Wonderland reality cost you.  
The door to your room opens with a creak. You sit up suddenly, the blanket halfway across your face so you can only peer at who came in, a string of curses halfway though your mouth--

It’s Magnus. 

“Hey! Uh! Sorry, it’s late, I shouldn’t be in here...” Magnus trails off in a way that seems hopeful. He still looks like a giant puppy. 

“Yeah, man, you really shouldn’t. Did you forget what room is yours?” The quip hangs dangerously in the air. You probably went too far. Magnus grimaces. 

“Um, no. I just...um, wanted to talk to you if that was okay?” Magnus takes another step into the room, like you had already made your choice. 

You don’t lower the blanket. “Well, I mean, you’re sort of already doing it.” 

Magnus laughs, it’s breathy, halfhearted and dismissive in a way you weren’t anticipating. “No, seriously. I kind of have already talked to most of the people here that’ve like, understood where I came from and everything, and they always talk about how close we were, and I didn’t really get it...’cause like...” 

“I don’t remember signing up for this particular dish session, but if you must insist, go on.” 

Magnus invites himself further into the room, into the wooden chair you threw clothes on. He’s gentle with moving them, familiar. “Look, I genuinely don’t know anything. I’m just asking if you could fill me in. We were friends, and I think everyone is duping me because you and I haven’t so much had a conversation since this happened.”

You frown. “Maybe we were pen pals!” 

Magnus frowns right back. “Did I do something?”

“Nothing you weren’t already doing.” you lie. “Can you, like, go already? Geeze. I’m tired and can’t fireball you out of the room yet.” 

“Okay. I get it. You don’t need to tell me twice.” 

“I think we were working on three times, darling.” You flutter your eyelashes with all the sarcasm you can muster. 

Magnus doesn’t look back when he leaves and you’re not sure how you feel about that. But then again, you're not sure about how you feel about anything at the moment.


	2. what have we hurt?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako daydreams. Magnus follows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO............this entire premise got written out of canon but here I am, chugging along. The next chapter should be the last (tech this was supposed to be but I needed to post what I had so far). Thanks for sticking with me so far, this has done wonders for my confidence in writing! You all are great!

Its different now. You all sit together near a fire, the woods surrounding you. They eat up all the sound you make. Merle falls asleep sitting up, which is as much hilarious as it is sad. You refuse to ever get that old. 

You look to Magnus and he’s caught in a stare. You don’t look away. A joke falls from your lips. You don’t even hear it. Magnus laughs. It’s beautiful. 

This is the Felicity Wilds. 

It makes you feel sick. Every time you get to that train of thought, it’s like the train crashed into the station. A big fiery ball of wants, shame, regret and anger. The knowledge that you could change it in your favor fills you with sinking disgust. Of course you’d consider that, but at least you have the decency to be disgusted with yourself for even contemplating the logistics of such an action. 

Magnus is whole, just how he is. He doesn’t need a half baked wizard messing with that. 

Your experience flashes to later, where you’re alone, in the woods. You needed to get away for a minute. You argue that it’s Magnus’ snoring, but in reality its different. You don’t think he’d enjoy waking up to his friend staring at his drooling face. That’s not normal. This reality is harder to face. 

You haven’t had thoughts like this in a while. Considerations for the future, fantasies even, of what could be in ways that you weren’t immediately able to get. It wasn’t worth it to fantasize about the things that were impossible. But there you were, staring at a tree like it was going to give you the answer to this terrible ache in your chest. Thinking like this had hurt you before. 

But you don’t necessarily want this to end. This adventure. Because the future isn’t so certain and for right now, even if you don’t have everything you want, you have enough to be happy. If nothing changed. 

“Taako?” 

You spin. You’ve been caught. “What’s good, big boy?” 

Magnus’ face is covered in the dark. “You just kinda wandered off--here’s not the place.” He chuckles lightly. 

“Oh for sure, the killer woods. Just getting some fresh air while ya’ll getting your sleep on.” 

“You can’t sleep?” 

“You haven’t been paying attention to me at all this whole time, have you?” 

Magnus looks as embarrassed as he could in the dark. “No, it’s not like that, I just figured you had like...your own version. You chill out with us all the time, I figured if you weren’t doing the normal sleep thing, you still needed to lay down for a bit.” 

“Oh, so you don’t spend all your time staring at me? I’m offended. Deeply wounded.” 

“That’s not what I’m saying.” 

“So you stare at me?” 

Magnus turns away. You feel a familiar sinking in your chest. 

“Yeah, sure, okay, let’s go with that.” 

“Do I need to get a restraining order, my fella?” 

Magnus comes back to you and can finally make out his face. He’s tired. The corners of his eyes aren’t crinkled like they would be if he was laughing. He’s normal. 

“Will you just come back to camp, please? I can’t sleep knowing you’re out here.” 

“Alright, alright, I’m going back in Mr. Watchman, sir.” You push yourself to match his strides when he does finally begin walking back. The dude takes big steps and you’re not sure if you can handle that. “Are you going to give me a goodnight kiss?” 

You’re sarcastic. You always are. But there’s always that nudge that you may have gone too far, a nudge that doesn’t go away until the other responds. Magnus doesn’t. You want to believe you saw him stiffen a bit, but it was dark. Your night vision can’t see everything. 

“Shut up, Taako. Just go lay down and not sleep.” He does a quick pat of your shoulder as he makes his way back to the particular lay of dirt he was laying in before. You want to believe that the touch alone doesn’t shock you. Merle is still sleeping sitting up. No one bothered to lay him down. 

You can’t even pretend to sleep after that. 

\--   
You come to the present, assured that while elves don’t sleep, they sure as fuck can daydream. And daydream you did. You wish you had a better imagination. Reminiscing like that is going to cause some serious worry lines. You have enough wrong with your face, you don’t need anything else. 

You move for the first time that day to face a reflection that you hate. You change it anyway. 

Magnus does, what you assume, is doing a really stellar job at trying to avoid you that day. He somehow manages to be in every place you find yourself, you, with no discernible plans for the day and the financial security to literally do anything your little elven mind set to do. Somehow, he’s there, in the background, chatting up with some perfect strangers. He never looks at you, but you sure do look at him. 

He’s just being annoying. He doesn’t remember everything about you. This is just...

Are you hurting him? 

The question mulls in your mind for a bit as you try to catch him by surprise. You move while he’s occupied, leaving the building you wandered in for the sake of seeing if he followed you into the general square. People don’t look at you. That’s relieving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr for more taagnus/fic updates: exfriends.tumblr.com

**Author's Note:**

> I'm posting this the day before the update so this fic may literally be written out of speculation but, here I am anyway. Let me be angsty. 
> 
> Um, this is my first fic for the adventure zone and it's a work in progress so any criticism helps! 
> 
> Also. If you're going to come at me saying that I'm homophobic for not writing Taakitz...please don't. 
> 
> Follow me on tumblr @ exfriends for updates on fic progress!


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